Patience

Losing yourself is a strange feeling, especially when you can see exactly what’s missing. For the last six years, I’ve felt lost. I didn’t know how to get where I wanted to be and was blindly continuing forward on a path that didn’t feel right. It’s like driving down a long, windy road in the early morning before a hike, seeing a mountaintop beyond the clouds, and thinking, “So that’s where we’re going?” I could see it, but the twists and turns felt endless. I felt stuck on an endless pursuit.

I really struggled to land a full-time offer after graduating college in December 2015. I always felt prepared from a network standpoint, but never ready for what the job market what actually like. I didn’t know how to utilize my network to find the right fit because I wasn’t sure what I was searching for other than a job, and any lead I had led to something beyond my experience level. The process took a long time, way longer than I expected. I ended up at a company as a temp, starting in November 2016, where I didn’t want to be but, of course, needed to take. I signed on as an actual employee in April 2017. I got exactly what I was searching for — a job.

Landing in a dead-end job, with a toxic workplace culture, that underpays its employees is not what I had envisioned for myself. You always have to consider that others would love what you have, but for me, it wasn’t enough. There were perks, but overall, it was a swing and a miss. I made countless decisions over the years, rooted from the self-worth issues that developed from being in that situation.

It’s a reason I got back into running so much after graduation. There was a definitive plan that I could follow, with concrete numbers and data to back up improvement. It was something within my control. I ran my first marathon in May 2017, training mostly alone, and did really well. Running gives me massive amounts of confidence, but starting just a few months after crossing the finish line of that first marathon, running didn’t love me back. It would be a few years before a spark reignited with my favorite activity.

The two most time-consuming areas of my life weren’t clicking. The lack of success was eating away at my self-confidence. I was embarrassed to talk about work and would have anxiety whether I’d be asked about it when catching up with old friends or meeting new people. I’d try to quickly change the subject whenever the topic came up. On top of that, any time I was asked about my running PRs, I’d preface with “It’s not good, but…”, like that time defined my worth as a person, friend, son, brother, and runner. I’d spend months training hard for a race, only to blow up in the final miles, with a time slower than my capabilities.

I had to constantly remind myself of the positives I had going for me, and there were a lot. Much of that was due to spending time with my friends, whether they knew about the anxieties or not. Then having that time with friends ripped away because of the pandemic was miserable. In hindsight, COVID is the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I dove head first into a deep pool of distraction. Life as I knew it was different, and that was how I got by.

I watched 350+ movies, documentaries, and shows in 2020, but in that distraction, I began to find my way. Obviously movies aren’t the real world, but I’d lose myself most when the main character overcame some internal conflict. Palm Springs was my favorite of the year. Andy Samberg was stuck in an endless time loop, reliving a single day over and over, becoming increasingly jaded about the possibility of escaping. I found comfort in the comedic performances, relating how his character felt to how we all felt during the pandemic. Soul made me really dig deep about how you may not see value in what you’re doing, but the value is there — it just requires a different perspective to find it.

With no shortage of time in the pandemic, every tick of the clock was an opportunity for me to look inward. I eventually recognized that I was subconsciously trying to see myself in these movies. I needed a Cristin Milioti-esque character from Palm Springs to help me escape from this inescapable mess. I needed to look at what I was doing professionally, to find the value in my work to sell what I was doing in interviews for new opportunities. I needed a change long before the pandemic, but sometimes, I guess, it takes a global shutdown-level of force to push you to forward, a level of force that The Joker speaks of to Batman in The Dark Knight.

Pre-pandemic, my work responsibilities were very data entry heavy, where I did the same exact thing for 8 hours a day, where my production was very closely tracked, and where I hardly needed to use my brain. Thanks to the pandemic, I had an entire summer working reduced hours, which was actually quite pleasant. It made me realize how happy I was doing something else with my time every day other than that type of work. Then all of a sudden, we were brought back with an overflowing amount of responsibilities. The deep pool of distraction turned into drowning in a massive workload. I had yet to be challenged in this company, so it was time to see what I was made of.

Sink or swim.

I worked an unhealthy number of overtime hours. I didn’t really have a social life at the time because of the pandemic, so I figured, “Hey, let’s make some money!” I was thrilled to be an hourly employee because finally I was able to have some disposable income. It gave me a taste of something better, something that I’d been craving for so long. Money.

On top of that, and more importantly, I became an integral piece in implementing and improving a process to allow a small toxicology lab to test thousands of patients daily for COVID, mostly from nursing home facilities in Ohio. I was finally starting to have accomplishments and data to talk about in interviews, something more than “I have a strong attention to detail, am constantly exceeding our KPIs, and want to learn something new.” I couldn’t confidently repeat that for a 30 minute phone screen and sound like a strong candidate. At least that’s what I would tell myself. I didn’t bother looking for a new opportunity because I didn’t believe in myself, but my value was increasingly becoming abundantly clear.

My confidence was improving as my role at work became more important and appreciated, but there was still plenty missing. I felt like I was getting closer to figuring it out, even amidst all the uncertainties of the time. Then in the first few days of 2021, I tested positive for COVID. In the middle of my quarantine, I received notice from work that we were now eligible to get vaccinated.

Perfect. I made it to mile 26 of a marathon and dropped out. The finish line was in sight, but I didn’t make it. Just a few steps away. That was a major blow.

A month later, I got vaccinated and decided I felt safe enough to return to the gym, essentially with two layers of protection. I started to address some weaknesses that I’d had for years. I always struggled to add strength training to my routine, but it was necessary. As those weaknesses improved, my body started to feel like a well-oiled machine. I could run farther, faster, and smoother. THIS is what I was missing. On May 1, 2021, after 4.5 years of waiting for a half marathon PR, I shattered it by 8 minutes and 47 seconds. That’s 40 seconds per mile. I was in a complete state of Zen for that entire race, like I never had been before. On that gray, windless, cold May morning, the clouds began to clear the road to the future that I desperately wanted.

Around that same time, my coworker, who was essentially my equal at work, quit for a slightly higher paying job with a salary that didn’t require overtime to have a more livable paycheck. My team lead was on maternity leave and was livid nobody fought to try to keep him. When my coworker informed management that he was leaving, they nodded and said, “Good luck!” Personally, I knew this would cause even more work to be put on my shoulders, but it gave me the chance to show everyone exactly what I could do in a bad situation. We were still overwhelmed, drowning in what felt like an endless backlog of work, and now, even more short-staffed. I never cowered though. I steered into the skid and got to work.

While I wanted to be somewhere else, I’m someone who sees it through to the end. That’s what I did. My scrawny, distance runner body carried more weight than I was being compensated for, and I knew it. There would be a battle for that down the road, and when the time came, they’d pay me. I was focused on improving my own self-worth to be able to fight for increasing my value professionally in the future.

On a Saturday morning in November of 2021, I watched a new movie on Netflix before making my way to a UC Football Tailgate. That movie was tick, tick…BOOM! It’s about Jonathan Larson trying to find his way in the world of theater. He’s on the cusp of turning 30 years old, frantically trying to achieve success before then. Normally musicals don’t really appeal to me, but this one struck all the right chords. I was eight months away from my 30th birthday, dreaming of something better. As Andrew Garfield was playing the piano and singing “30/90”, I was sucked through my TV screen into a chair in the audience watching him belt about how he felt his career was unimpressive.

“Time to refocus.”

“Felt like a clean-up batter on a team that ain’t a winner.”

“At least you’re not alone. Your friends are there, too.”

“Clear the runway. Make another pass. Try another approach. Before you’re out of gas.”

Eventually, I became more focused on the job search process than my job. I revamped my resume. I recognized old habits that I needed to change, like being afraid to talk about work and the search. I was telling my friends that it was officially time. I needed them to hold me accountable because I was going to find something new.

Running has taught me all about how to work for delayed gratification. The patience it takes to train for half marathons and marathons is, in my opinion, unmatched due to how monotonous running can be. I was ready to channel those skills. Before I turned 30, I was going to make that step. Finally.

On April 11, just over three months before my 30th birthday, I had my second interview with Kroger for a role as a CPI Analyst in their Sourcing Department. Both the first and second interview went well. Interviewing was something that didn’t always come naturally to me because I didn’t have many professional accomplishments in my background or enjoy hyping myself up. I never felt like myself in that setting. The lack of confidence was clear. Fortunately for me, I had been rebuilding that for years, and when the moment came, I was ready to show my value. I was going to escape.

They told me to follow up in about a week, so on April 18, I did just that.

“Thanks for reaching out. We are still in the process of interviewing candidates. Appreciate you for being patient.”

Oof. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be patient any longer, but I had to remind myself their process is not my process. Think of the frustrations at work that you’ve exceled in, where each department has different processes and don’t collaborate well. You’ve found success despite that. Think of getting COVID right before getting the email about vaccine eligibility. You can’t let that get to you. It’s out of your control. Continue onward. Think of the finish line and seeing the time of 1:36:30. You never would’ve seen or felt that if it weren’t for your resiliency or patience.

The patience. My strongest attribute.

At this point in my journey, I had only applied to about 30 jobs, a smaller number than many need to apply to when they’re trying to get a new job. I was selective, yet strategic. I really focused on the aspect of having a personal connection and something that’s more than just another job. I needed something that had options for growth. I needed something with different routes to explore my strengths. I needed to do more than just get unstuck.

That’s what this role at Kroger is. It’s a foot in the door, with many different routes that I could take. It’s a role where I can learn about retail and one of the most prominent businesses in Cincinnati and country. It’s a role that would give me, at a minimum, a 60% increase in base pay. It’s somewhere that can introduce me to a team that actually works together and are friends. It’s the next step, and I know it. I just have to wait.

My productivity at work was plummeting. I was running out of gas. I was frantically checking my email for an update. This was it! I knew it! My time was up!

Except, it wasn’t.

“We appreciated the opportunity to learn more about your experience and interest in the CPI Analyst role at Kroger. Unfortunately, we will be moving forward in a different direction.”

Holy shit. Why? How? No. This was it. What did they not understand? Something’s wrong. It didn’t add up.

The agony of intentionally keeping your network so closely involved in the process is that you have to tell them the failures, too.

“FUCK!”

“Damn dude I’m sorry”

“Kroger sux”

But wait, there was more. “We did recommend you to other teams in Sourcing that were hiring as we still think you’d be a great asset to Kroger.”

A great asset, you say? This wasn’t a swing and a miss. I made contact. I could feel the pain from the foul tip reverberating through my body, but I was still up to bat. I planted my feet firm in the batter’s box. It was time to rip it.

Over the next month and a half, I had interviews with NielsenIQ, 84.51, and, once again, Kroger. Three options at once. Momentum was building, and I felt the confidence growing inside me. I could hear it in my voice as I discussed the challenges ahead.

I moved forward with 84.51 and Kroger and awaited a final decision from the two. Expecting word to come slowly, as this process had dragged on for ages, it did not. Nerves didn’t even have time to truly set in before I saw an email subject that read, “Eric Smith Offer Letter”.

I got an offer from Kroger, in the Sourcing Department as a Sourcing Category Management Analyst.

Finally.

I turn 30 on July 21 and will begin in my new role three days before my twenties come to an end. The relief to have finished this race before the BOOM feels like magic. It feels unreal. Yet, it feels earned.

The clouds were cleared, and my value shined bright. What I didn’t realize before was that I’m the Cristin Milioti-esque character for whom I was searching. It was me who did the work to escape and was me all along. I thought I was the Andy Samberg of this story, who was stuck in this mess. I was looking at myself from the wrong perspective, thinking they are mutually exclusive characters, and I didn’t see that at first. In real life, you can be both. I am, in fact, Cristin Milioti AND Andy Samberg, and I have been since July 21, 1992.

Since day one, the clock never stopped. tick. tick. tick. I could hear it in the background getting louder and louder, as its hands spun forward. Tick. Tick. Tick. My patience never wavered. TICK. TICK. TICK. With my thirties still a time in the future, I did it. TICK! TICK! TICK! I no longer have a job; I have a career.